The Writings of Caryn LeMur - Observations For Those With GID

I hope that you enjoy these 'observations', but that
you also are provoked by the many 'pot-holes' that
we encounter -- provoked enough to more carefully
drive upon the road of GID, and to make some
changes in your driving style, so to speak.... enjoy!

Caryn

**********

Observations For Those
With Gender Identity
Disorder (GID)

1.        SELF-ASSESSMENT IS FINE;
AVOIDING COUNSEL IS NOT. Chances are, if
you even suspect you may have Gender Identity
Disorder (GID), that you are much more intelligent
than others. Cool. You are smart. And so, it is highly
likely that you can self-assess yourself via research on
the Internet. Great! Do it! But then be humble
enough to find a licensed therapist that works with
clients with GID. After all, you need an honest and in-
depth review of your self-assessment. Cuz maybe
you ain’t, babes, and you need to find that out before
you change your nose with rhinoplasty. Do not be the
first case of GID ever handled by your counselor. Be
willing to change counselors for any reason, even
your intuition. Be willing to work with licensed and
experienced counselors that are accepting of gay,
lesbian, bisexual, and transgendered (GLBT)
persons. Be willing to work with someone that does
not hold to your religious dogma – remember that the
“good Samaritan” was considered a heretic half-
breed by the Jews, but Jesus immortalized the
Samaritan because the Samaritan was ‘moved with
compassion’ and saved a life. [Luke 10] Be willing to
learn from the heart of others in counsel, even from a
Samaritan.

2.        YOU DID NOT CHOOSE YOUR
GENDER IDENTITY – YOUR GENDER
IDENTITY HAS SHIFTED WITHOUT
KNOWN CAUSE. If you are a mid-life transsexual,
you probably remember your pre-onset days as a
time wherein you had a sense of control, and were
concerned about pleasing your spouse and even the
conscience of others. [ I Peter 3 and Romans 14 in
the Bible cover these concepts really well.] Neat. But
now, you are post-onset. Remember what Jesus said
about the earthly wind? - 'You hear its sound, but you
cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going"
[John 3:8]. Same for the wind of GID called
'dysphoria' (extreme discomfort) - you don't know
where it came from (the cause) and you don't know
where it will all end (the final resolution). Hey, if you
could have controlled your gender identity, you would
have shifted it back, right? What driving pleasure are
you getting out of risking your marriage, severe body
modification, losing friends, receiving hate mail from
family, losing inheritance, and possibly surgically
removing/rearranging your genitals? This is not a
choice, a lust, nor a temptation. Some MDs believe
GID is medically-based. But currently, Gender
Identity Disorder (GID) is called a ‘disorder’, and not a
choice, by psychological experts because it is exactly
that – a “disorder”. If you don’t like the word
‘disorder’, then call it Gender Identity Anomaly, but it
still is not a choice, a lust, nor a temptation. Learn to
listen to the schooled and researched experts (MDs,
physiologists, and psychiatrists). Learn to politely
listen and then ignore those schooled in other areas of
expertise when they address your GID (pastors,
vicars, priests, engineers, parents, mechanics, etc.).
When the Bible says, [God speaking to the man
named Job] “Who is this that darkens my counsel with
words without knowledge?” – it is talking about the
latter, and not the former [Job 38]. Part of life is
learning what is within your control, and the wind of
GID is not.

3.        IT IS OK TO BE ANGRY AT GOD –
HE’S A BIG GUY, AND HE CAN TAKE IT.
BUT YOU GOTTA LEARN TO FORGIVE.
Welcome to the “hate-love continuum”. Get out a
sheet of paper, put ‘Hate’ on the left side; put ‘Love’
on the right side; and draw a line between them. You
now have a continuum that represents all the
mixtures of hate and love possible. Put ‘God’ above
the line, and mark what mixture of hate/love that you
feel towards Him, for real. No fibs allowed. Hate
Him? Put the x to the left. Hate Him a lot? Put the x
to the far left. Feel bad about where that x is
because of your religious background? Don’t move
the x, because then, you are lying. Instead, it is time
to ‘forgive’ God, and the ‘x’ will move all by itself.
How do you forgive a Divine Someone that can never
make a mistake? Well, that’s the quandary, because
in your heart of hearts, you really believe that God did
make a mistake, picked the wrong path for you, or
has a twisted and dark sense of humor. You’ve set
your own throne of judgment higher than God’s
throne… so did a certain someone else, and he was
thrown out of heaven forever (hint: name starts with
an “S” and rhymes with “wait’in”). So, pray to Him,
and say out loud, “Hey, Big Guy, I forgive you. I’ll
accept whatever furnace you put me into, because it
is in the furnace that You make my character more
beautiful.” Watch how that little ‘x’ starts to move,
and your love for God increases. The key is that only
‘forgiveness’ moves the ‘x’ on the hate/love
continuum – not theology, not brilliance, not
arguments, and not revenge. In fact, one day, you’ll
have to forgive your spouse, your children, your work,
and your own self. But for right now, let’s just work
on the God-thing. Remember that the one
"tormented" in Matthew 18 was the servant that
could not forgive? Time to forgive even the Big Guy,
and stop the torment, don't you think?

4.        BE WILLING TO CONSIDER YOUR
WEAKNESS IS, IN GOD’S EYES, A
STRENGTH. OK, this is a tough point for a lot of
people. If you have ‘forgiven’ God for giving you GID,
then I propose it would be good to have His viewpoint
of the disorder, right? And His viewpoint is… what?
Believe it or not, He says that He gives weaknesses to
humble us (per the Bible, a book called Second
Corinthians, chapter 12). And you may be surprised
at all the good things God gives to the humble and
denies the proud. Try doing a word search in an
electronic bible on "humble" and "humility" -- wow!
He really likes the humble folks. Your GID is no
different than someone’s dyslexia – both are very
humbling, both cause a believer to call upon God, and
both create a very non-proud person. But this is
something that God has to teach you, or it sounds so
hokey that it just ‘must’ be a ‘joke’. I recommend to
anyone that they copy the story of “Paul’s Thorn In
The Flesh” from any translation of the Bible that they
like (the story is in Second Corinthians chapter 12),
and carry their copy with them for a few months.
Yanno, read the story at the start of every work day
or at each lunch in the cafeteria. And one day, it will
hit you: we were never deserted by God; we are the
reason some of these chapters were written. And we
are blessed with a weakness that will not be healed –
because now, we are humbled. And babes, the
humble (not the proud) are the ones that God blesses.

5.        GID IS NOT DRIVEN BY SPIRITUAL
ISSUES BUT DOES HAVE SPIRITUAL
EFFECTS. Would you let your auto mechanic
perform open-heart surgery on you? If yes, your
percentage of survival is very low. Yet, some of you
will let a pastor (or vicar or priest) give you spiritual
correction into what has been determined by many
highly schooled and highly respected experts to be a
psychological (or medical) disorder/anomaly. Do you
believe your pastor should be the single source of
advice for schizophrenics or diabetics? Or, would you
recommend that a schizophrenic seek psychological
expertise, and the diabetic seek medical expertise?
Stop. Think. While you do not need spiritual
correction from your pastor, you may need spiritual
assistance concerning the effects of GID on the areas
of worship, prayer, forgiveness, sovereignty of God,
re-baptism, and so forth. Find a humble spiritual
leader that understands his/her limited area of
spiritual expertise and does not proudly assume
expertise into physical (medical) areas and/or
psychological areas (mental disorders/anomalies).
Discuss and pray with the humble spiritual leader
about all the effects GID is having on your spiritual
life. But realize that there are many extra-proud
spiritual leaders that are self-deceived and that
believe all physiological disorders are areas for
spiritual correction.   The Bible puts it bluntly, “If
anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he
deceives himself.” [Galatians 6:3] Let such egotistical
pastors stay self-deceived; but gosh-golly-gee-
wizards, don’t let them deceive you! Next time a
pastor tells you that spiritual repentance is the
correction that you need for your psychological GID,
remember that he probably told the dyslexic the same
thing, and just smile and say ‘thank you’. And then,
go see the trained psychologist.

6.        GID IS NOT CURABLE/
REVERSABLE; IT IS TREATABLE. You may
need to prove the inability-to-cure or the impossibility-
of-reversal to yourself. If so, go ahead – try electro-
shock therapy, talk therapy, prior-life therapy, anti-
depressants, reparative therapy, repentance, fasting,
group prayer, casting out of demons, and anointing
with oil, and any combination thereof. Rub every
bottle that you find on the beach, and keep searching
for the genie. Some people need to search for the
cure as part of their grieving process or as a part of
the actions to save their marriage. Hey, such
searching is ok because it provides a sense of
‘closure’. But when the genie does not appear, decide
that you will work with reality, and not fantasy. The
decision that there is no genie can cause its own
grieving process. Some people believe that God will
always provide a way to reverse any psychological
disorder – especially the disorders they find repulsive
or frightening. Please preach that to schizophrenics
and those with bi-polar disorder, and see how far you
get. Welcome to reality – GID is not reversible nor
curable.    But GID is treatable. Long experience has
shown that those that work with their GID survive,
and maybe thrive; those that work against it, normally
die. What’s the lowest suicide rate I’ve found from a
qualified source? 20%. What’s the highest reversal
rate I’ve found from an expert source? 1% (one
percent). Yes, that means that 99% do not reverse.
Time to bet on the winning side and discover a level of
treatment that works for your situation, don’t you
think? Remember that the first born son of Isaac -
named Esau - lost his birthright, and then repented
with tears, and what happened? Esau was denied;
God did not give him the birthright back. [Hebrews 12:
16-18] This means that God can draw the line, and
not let you go back. Esau later received a new
blessing under new rules – but still, no going back to
exactly where he came. Look at the ingredients:
seeking God; lots of repentance; crying and sobbing.
Look at the result: no miracle cure; no perfect
reversal; only the chance for a blessing under new
rules of the game. Ugly concept, but it’s in the Bible
for a reason – maybe it’s in the Bible for you.

7.        LEARN THAT MEN STILL SELL
SNAKE OIL TO DESPERATE COWBOYS.
Hey, some of these sellers are former transgendered,
washed-in-the-blood-of-the-lamb, and PhD-
credentialed. But most won’t publish (1) their proof
of expertise (TS experience, psychological and
medical schooling, and/or on-going research); (2)
their <N>-step program/methodology (that is, their
Standard of Care); (3) a report for peer review by
fellow experts; (4) their statistical results of
success/failure with definitions and methods of
measurement; and (5) surveys with follow-on
questionnaires.    No, they don’t have to follow the
normal conventions of good science, because you, the
TS, are so incredibly desperate for a cure. Recently, I
read a Christian on-line report that quoted a former
“transsexual” as stating his N-step cure (outlined in
the article) produced an “80% success rate” using his
method. Wow, I couldn’t wait for him to publish his
method in a peer-reviewed journal. If others tried his
method, and achieved similar results, then that man
would be nominated for a Nobel Prize. But… that
man did not publish; in fact, his web-site sales jargon
later vanished, and was replaced by several
extremely conservative statements. Yes, he got some
‘cash’ from some desperate cowboys, and then ‘got
outta Dodge’ before those cowboys wised up. What
kind of personality gets a charge out of selling snake
oil? Maybe someone with criminal mentality OR
maybe he was the 1% that reverses for no known
reason, thinks that the remaining 99% can reverse
just like he did, and therefore rushes forward despite
the statistics and the science. But wake up, cowboy,
and force yourself to realize that you are at times
desperate, gullible, and willing to ignore the
conventions of good science. Proverbs 27 says this
for you: "... to the hungry, even that which is bitter
tastes sweet." Snake oil is, in reality, bitter tasting...
but not to you, because you are starved for a cure.
Force yourself to think about snake oil before you
invest your heart in it – or risk your heart being
broken once more. Force yourself to feed on good
counsel, and then, you won't be a starving cowboy, k?

8.        THE DAY YOU REACH FOR THE
GUN OR THE POISON, STOP LOOKING
FOR THE MAGIC CURE. Being mistreated by
those that assume medical and psychological
expertise should make you feel hurt -- not worthless.
Not finding the magic cure should cause a grieving
cycle -- not a suicidal drive. Realizing that you were
duped by some “good man” selling snake oil should
make you angry at him and yourself -- but not give
you enough hate to want to put your own gun to your
own head. If you want to ‘check out’ of life with a
bottle of pills, call your counselor immediately or a
friend immediately that is supportive of your GID.
Then, consider going out with your friend to coffee,
watching a video of a comedian, or doing anything
that will stop the downward spiral. Most crises pass
within days. Likewise, if you sense a downward spiral
in someone else, then they are wounded. And the
wounded ain’t pretty. But don’t walk on the other
side, and leave them there to die; instead, listen,
listen, and listen to them. Change your calendar for
one hour, and save a life. Sadly, do not encourage
the wounded to contact a pastor, priest, or vicar
unless you know absolutely that they can work with
the emotionally torn. Jesus said, “A certain man was
left for dead. A priest came by, and walked on the
other side. A Levite (religious leader) came by, and
walked on the other side.” [Luke 10] Avoidance of
the wounded, especially the GID wounded (commonly
called transsexuals), is the norm for most religious
leaders. Be certain your religious leader is flexible
enough to have his/her compassion overcome his/her
repulsion. We don’t need you, or anyone else, dead.

9.     LET GO OF THE DEPRESSION AND
REACH OUT TO THE PLAN GOD HAS FOR
YOU. There comes a time when you've got to
develop the 'gold fever' back in your heart. Some
folks call it a 'fighting spirit' -- I call it 'gold fever'. It's
not that you need to fight your spouse, or your kids,
or Satan for that matter. It's that you need to see
that God has a plan for your life, still, even though you
have GID, even though the wind of dysphoria is
driving you, even though you are not in control of the
cause or can foresee the end result. And you just
gotta find out what that 'plan for your life' is. You
need to search for that 'plan' in the midst of your life
caving in, just like you still believe gold is back in that
mine shaft. Proverbs chapter 2 talks about the 'gold
fever' this way: "If you call out for insight and cry
aloud for understanding, and if you look for it as for
silver and search for it as for hidden treasure, then
you will understand the fear of the LORD and find the
knowledge of God." Put the gun away in the cabinet,
and start thinking about treasure. Put the bottle of
killing pills in the toilet; and realize that there is gold in
that cave-in of your life. Stop hoping to die and
rehearsing ways to 'check out' -- and let the 'gold
fever' overcome you again.   I learned more about
church-people, real Christians, binary thinking,
continuum logic, searching the scriptures, and
maturity in Christ than ever in my life during my
experience, and you know what else? I only used a
garden trowel -- bet you can outdo me easy. There's
gold in them thar hills, pardner, real gold. Dream
about it; pray about it; and start digging.

10.        INVEST IN THE 'LOVE LANGUAGE'
OF YOUR SPOUSE NOW – BEFORE
DEALING WITH THE DYSPHORIA (I.E.,
SEVERE INTERNAL DISCOMFORT) IN ANY
HIGHLY NOTICABLE FASHION. Hate to say
it, but remember the concept from the Bible that the
husband gives love to the wife, and that the wife
gives respect to the husband? [Ephesians 5]   Then,
remember in the Bible when it talks about the wife
calling her husband “Master” or “Lord”? [I Peter]. I
propose that there is therefore a “respect” language
that a wife must learn when speaking to her
husband. By the way, at my job site, I like calling my
heads-of-department “Sir” and “Mr. <first name>” –
not “pumpkin” or “honey-kins”.   In a like manner, a
wife learns the terms and tone of speech that mean
“respect” to the husband. If there is a “respect”
language, then I propose that there is likewise a
“love” language that the husband has to learn for the
sake of his wife. If the wife thinks it is “love” for the
husband to share about his work dramas, then he
should share the news. If the wife thinks it is “love”
to be given a little music CD “just because”, then he
should spend a little cash. She thinks dancing is the
greatest gift on earth? Time to learn some steps,
super guy, don't you think? In due time, you (the
husband) will be a treasure, instead of a has-been.
And no woman throws away a ‘treasure of a husband’
lightly. So, invest now in learning and conforming to
her 'love language', so that it becomes all the more
difficult for her to toss you aside when your actions
(to deal with your dysphoria) become noticeable. It’s
an investment – you may win big, win little, or lose it
all. But if you don’t invest in her love language, you’ll
have no chance of winning at all, right? Proverbs 14
puts it this way: "The wise woman builds her house,
but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers
down." You've got to build up the house with her
particular and unique 'love language' even if the GID
and your actions to deal with your dysphoria are
tearing down the walls. So, figure out the stones of
her love language, and mortar a few back in place.

11.        YOU DO NOT CHOOSE WHEN TO
TRANSITION – YOUR GENDER IDENTITY
HAS TRANSITIONED (PAST TENSE) AND
YOU CHOOSE WHEN TO LESSEN THE
DYSPHORIA. Yes, I know that the word
“transition” is used to describe (a) the entire process
that lasts for years and/or (b) the day you begin to
live full-time presenting as the target gender. I
propose that the Gender Identity of your mind is what
has transitioned (note the past tense). The rest of
your mind, behaviors, and body-perception then
senses extreme discomfort because they were ‘left in
the dust’ when your Gender Identity transitioned.
It's like a taffy pull – the GID has moved to the far
other side, and is pulling the taffy of your mind,
behaviors, and body perception. Realize that no one
else can sense your level of dysphoria – only you
sense it. No one but you feels the taffy pull. Others
will see some of the effects of your dysphoria being
repressed (such as anger, irritability, short-temper,
withdrawal from normal conversation, etc.), but
normally will consider your dysphoria as minor. You
get to feel your dysphoria as ranging from mild
discomfort to needing strong pain killers (eg,
overwork, losing yourself in a project, using alcohol,
taking anti-depressants, etc.). You may need to
begin to lessen the dysphoria earlier than you planned
– some people find that clothing therapy or hormone
therapy reduces the dysphoria to an acceptable level,
and need no further intervention. Others need facial
surgery, hormone therapy, anti-other-gender-
hormone therapy, voice training, and complete life-
style changes. Sense your dysphoria, deal with it with
some small step, and sense your dysphoria again –
repeat the cycle. Read histories of how others
cleverly reduced their dysphoria, but allow your path
to lessen dysphoria to be as individual as you are.
Make your own path – not everyone needs
SRS/GRS/facial surgery/vaginoplasty/penile
implants. Proverbs 14 puts the situation this way:
"Each heart knows its own bitterness, and no one else
can share its joy." Yes, your dysphoria can be bitter;
the reaction of others can be bitter; searching for the
'gold' can be hard work; and finding 'hidden
treasures' can be a joy. But babes, sense your own
dysphoria, and use your unique plan for the unique
you. Don’t forever stay a piece of taffy, or one day,
you may just snap apart.

12.        EXPECT HATRED FROM THE
“JOBIAN EFFECT”. The “Jobian Effect” means
that others will sense that their observation of your
GID breaks their paradigm of “God is good to good
people” and “God is bad to bad people”, and
therefore be forced to revise their life-belief
paradigm, or forced to revise their relationship with
you. This concept is found in the Bible, in the Book of
Job. For example, if others believe you were a
“good” person and that GID is “bad”, then obviously,
you have forsaken God and abandoned Christ and
need to ‘repent’. If they believe that only “bad”
people are subject to psychological disorders, then ,
even though you were an Elder of The Holy Church
and Worship Leader and Trustee, obviously, you were
really a “bad” person all along that had amazingly
deceived them. If the Jobian Effect in the one that
observes you is minor, then expect them to show
confusion. If the Jobian Effect is major, expect them
to pour out hatred due to the pain that their internal
conflict is causing them. It is not you – it is their
internal conflict that you are observing. The Jobian
Effect is very strong in religious people (who may
show hatred in the form of shunning or
excommunication) and also very strong in those that
had inflexible expectations for your future (who may
show hatred in letters, emails, voice mail, etc.). Rule-
dominated people often also can express anger, since
they perceive you are ‘breaking the rules’. These
people will often assume medical, psychological, and
spiritual expertise concerning GID – even when they
have no such medical, psychological, or spiritual
expertise. They may not even realize the absurdity of
their advice (such as “Even though I cannot find
transsexualism in the Bible, even though it is found in
medical and psychological texts, let me assure you as
your pastor, that you must spiritually repent in order
to be delivered from this Satanic deception”). The
assumption of expertise is driven by the pain of the
Jobian Effect. Hey, did I ever tell you about the hate-
mail MY WIFE (who does not have GIE) received from
Christians? That’s the Jobian Effect in full swing,
babes, and it is not pretty – it’s incredibly immature.
So, let the children play “doctor” – but don’t take their
“medicine”.

13.        YOUR SPOUSE AND FAMILY WILL
ALSO CHOOSE ACTIONS TO DEAL WITH
THEIR INHERITED DYSPHORIA. OK, your
spouse doesn’t want you dead. And, yes, all your
family doesn’t want you in such psychological pain that
your dysphoria reduces you to a non-functioning mess
of a person. And yes, all your family is exceptionally
happy for you and is celebrating your choices. What?
You don’t believe the last sentence? Of course not,
because your actions to deal with your dysphoria have
produced incredible ‘reactions’ to deal with the
‘inherited’ dysphoria that you are now giving your
family. Hey, you were their “dad” or “mom”, and
now, you sure don’t look it and probably don’t act it
either. So, give them some room to deal with their
dysphoria. Kids don’t want you at their high school?
Yes, it hurts, but try to say “Hey, I understand and
love you guys.” Spouse says that he can’t take you to
the club anymore because of nada, yada, and
wadda? Don’t debate the nada; ignore the yada; and
let go of disproving the wadda. Instead, say, “Hey, I
can see you are hurt. It’s ok about the club.” Then
later, go off by yourself and cry alone, because it
hurts. Call a friend, and go out for a drink, because it
hurts. Vent to God in an angry prayer (King David did
it a few times and then, wrote those prayers down --
check out the Psalms in the Bible! Whoa!). But give
the family some room for their grieving process and
reconciling their own dysphoria with the new you.
Last I checked, love is unconditional in the Bible… so,
maybe, for a few years, you’ll have to be godly and
give unconditional love, turn the other cheek, carry
their burden another illegal mile, and resign your case
in court while giving them twice as much. [Matthew
5] Hey, I bet you prayed to be like Christ at one time.
Kinda tough that He answered, right?

14.        DYSPHORIA IS NOT STATIC, SO
DON’T MAKE STUPID PROMISES. Do not
promise your spouse that you’ll never take hormones,
never change your clothing, or never change your
behaviors that she/he has grown to love over the
years. Such promises are based on the hope that
your dysphoria is static and controllable – many with
GID find that the dysphoria pushes them into more
and more intervention. Here is some advice given to
early Christians by an Apostle of Christ: “Now listen,
you who say, 'Today or tomorrow we will go to this or
that city, spend a year there, carry on business and
make money.' Why, you do not even know what will
happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist
that appears for a little while and then vanishes.
Instead, you ought to say, 'If it is the Lord's will, we
will live and do this or that.' As it is, you boast and
brag. All such boasting is evil.” [James 4:13-16] Yep,
making promises is really boasting that you are the
one in control of the GID. You ain’t driving this train,
babes; it is driving you. Don’t make stupid promises.

15.        LEARN TO REVIEW YOUR
HISTORY WITH SOMEONE THAT CARES
ABOUT YOUR HISTORY. Most of those with
GID are highly intelligent and therefore have a great
need to review difficult points of their history,
understand what happened, gain a sense of closure,
and then apply the lessons of the past to the present
and future. Many average intelligence people have no
such need, period. They prefer to “forgive and
forget”. If your spouse is average, discuss the past
with others OR discuss it with the spouse and expect
your search for understanding and closure to be
savagely truncated when your spouse is emotionally
overwhelmed. Find a friend or a licensed counselor
that will listen to you vent, wonder, and cry, about the
'poverty' of your past. Proverbs 19 offers how your
spouse may come to view your recitations of your
'past poverties': "A poor man is shunned by all his
relatives— how much more do his friends avoid him!
Though he pursues them with pleading, they are
nowhere to be found." Do discuss your past pains
with your spouse once or twice, but when they are
'nowhere to be found', you really need to find
someone else, don't you?

16.        YOUR OLD RELATIONSHIP WITH
YOUR SPOUSE IS DEAD. It was hard watching
it dying; you were tempted at times to pull the plug
early to stop the perceived pain; but now, your
relationship is dead. Grieve it, mourn it, and bury it.
Then, rebuild it with new rules. After all, the old
relationship died, not the marriage. The rebuilding of
your new relationship is affected by each of you going
through the grieving process: denial, anger,
bargaining, depression, and acceptance. You may go
through the grieving process at entirely different
speeds. If the grief process averages 2 years, then
that means about 2 years of grieving and partial
rebuilding. No wonder so many walk away, because 2
years can seem forever when you are involved in it.
And, who wants to come home to a ‘wake’ and a
grieving family every day? But try to hang in there.
Did your hubby became a woman in October 2005?
Tell yourself that you’ll not consider ending the
marriage until October 2007. Did you start living full-
time as the opposite gender in October 2005? Tell
yourself it is OK if the ‘wake’ lasts until October 2007.
Grieving, or being around grievers, is not fun. But
grief takes time – give it two years minimum. Oh, the
Bible calls this 'being patient'. Here's just a few of its
thoughts:

"A patient man has great understanding, but a

quick-tempered man displays folly" [Proverbs 14]

"A hot-tempered man stirs up dissension, but a

patient man calms a quarrel." [Proverbs 15]

"I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me

and heard my cry." [Psalm 40]

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at

the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do

not give up." [Galatians 6]

Patience for 2 years is a hard concept. But, yanno, if
the crop takes 2 years to mature, then it takes 2
years. And if you've put 10, 15, 20, 30 years into a
marriage, what's a couple more years???? Time to
stop digging up the corn in mid-season just because
you wanted to harvest 2 months too early, don't you
think? Patience is needed.

17.        CONGRUENCY WITHIN A BI-
GENDER CULTURE MEANS WHEN YOU
PHYSICALLY TRANSITION YOUR BODY
(TO MATCH YOUR MIND) YOU MAY WIN A
FEW THINGS, BUT LOSE ON OTHER
THINGS. This means if you hoped to hold on to an
aspect of your prior gender, the culture itself will beat
you into submission. In fact, the more passable you
are, the more frequent the beatings. That is, if you
are a passable MTF, the culture itself will treat you
congruently as a woman. For example, (you might
like these) a newly transitioned highly-passable full-
time MTF will find that men open doors for her, co-
workers allow her to enter or exit the elevator first,
and the security guard will smile at you if you smile at
him or her (nice, right?). You’ll also be absorbed into
the non-competitive female-church and female-work
networks and learn to share supportive words with
each other (really nice!). You’ll be able to hear the
gossip, let your female friend vent, and not pass it on
(wow, mature of you and fun, really). But what
about the negatives of a congruent bi-gendered
culture? In the work place, your ideas will now be
treated as second-class, your valid criticism of a co-
worker’s concept is whispered as ‘must be her time of
month’, and you might be learning the realities of
reduced raises or vanished promotions. You might be
told to ‘get the coffee’ for a meeting even if you are
the most senior scientist attending. At home, don’t be
surprised if the former spouse treats you with
disrespect (like a fellow female), orders you out of
the house (like a senior sister to a junior sister),
instructs you to ensure the adult children have enough
cash (like a senior female to a female store clerk),
tries to limit or control your friendships or
reconciliations with others (female fear of ‘what will
the neighbors think?’), or tries to control your choice
of clothing and manner of dress (female-to-female
hen pecking). Did I ever tell you about the church
pastor that refused to speak to me my new female
name, but sent me an urgent letter denying me all
rights of defense during a non-biblical indefinite period
of ‘corporate shunning’? Was he treating me like a
fellow man that was in sin? No, you treat a guy in sin
with a man-to-man debate behind closed doors, not
with secret non-biblical letters sent in the dark. Guess
what? - that pastor treated me just like a female
prostitute looking for tricks at his church. You hoped
to hold on to the work perks of being male or the
home perks of being the ‘husband’? No way. You
hoped to have a respectful, rational and logical
discussion with your church pastor, who reacts to you
as a chick, hooker, non-believer, and worse? Sorry,
but the overall culture drives male and female
subcultures to highly congruent sets of actions. You
look like a chick? Guess what, you’ll be treated like a
‘girl’ with the positive and negative interactions. It’s a
package deal.

18.        START LIVING YOUR NEW LIFE
AS UNIQUE CREATION. Hey, you aren’t
female. Hey, you weren’t male. You is a Unique. Bad
English, but I think it makes the point. Granted, (if
you are MTF TS) you may determine that you will live
your life in the mind-set and lifestyle of a born-female,
but you are, in hard-core reality, a ‘born’ or ‘re-born’
transsexual (TS). You is a Unique. Granted that our
bi-gendered culture will try to beat you into
submission, and you can’t conquer the culture. But
you still can choose to ignore it. You is a Unique. And
being a Unique is totally cool, because you get to
make your own definitions, goals, and expectations
from a unique perspective. If you keep trying to
reach a definition of “perfect female” or “perfect
male”, you may succeed, or you may end up
frustrated and miserable. Care to bet cash that you’ll
be the latter? The binary model of gender did not
work for you before, what on earth makes you think
that it will work now? Have you ever read about
Androgen Insensitive Syndrome (AIS)? Are they men
or women or uniques? I vote that if they live as
uniques that they may be less frustrated than beating
up their own bodies for things that will never happen.
Therefore, learn to think totally out-of-the-gender-
box. Wanna play catch with the neighborhood boy in
your skirt while smoking a cigar? Do it. Wanna ride to
the club on your Harley with your leathers, and then
drink girly drinks and dance so macho that all the
chicks swoon over you? Do it. Feel free to make
totally unique rules that work for you, and then
embrace that new life fully. Learn to dance the night
away, sweetheart, even now, as transition is just
beginning. You’ll love yourself, really.

19.        LEARN THAT RE-INVENTING A
MARRIAGE IS NORMAL. One of the best pieces
of advice I received from Ms. Ellen Warren, LCSW,
Alexandria Virginia USA, was this: “Hey, all good
marriages learn how to reinvent themselves.” You
normally have been re-inventing your marriage every
5 years or so, right? You were dating, then a married
couple, then had young kids, then re-entered the
work place, then had rebellious teens, then had them
leave home, right? So, what is the problem with one
more re-invention? I am not saying that re-inventing
is easy; I am saying that the couple that can realize
that re-inventing is normal, will be flexible enough to
start the re-inventing now. Especially now that a new
challenge has arrived – a spouse changing radically.
Re-invention is normal. Re-invention takes flexibility,
not non-flexibility. Re-invention is like new wine being
poured into a new wineskin -- the new wine will
expand and the new wineskin will expand with it.
Jesus was emphatic about the concept of flexibility:
"And no one pours new wine into old wineskins. If he
does, the wine will burst the skins, and both the wine
and the wineskins will be ruined. No, he pours new
wine into new wineskins." [Mark 2] Become flexible
and re-invent your marriage or it may be that the
'new wine' of GID will simply burst your marriage.

20.        UNDERSTAND THAT THE
ARGUMENTS OF “BODY-OWNERSHIP”
ARE IMPOSSIBLE TO OVERCOME, AND
AVOID THOSE ARGUMENTS. Many women
(not all) have a deep belief system that “the money
he earns, is our money; but the money I earn, is my
money.” This belief system of “his is ours; but mine is
mine alone” can also carry over to the physical culture
of body-ownership – “His body belongs to me! How
dare he change his body! Oh, me? Yes, I’m
overweight … maybe I am even obese, but that’s MY
body and no one else’s business.” Woe to the MTF
that points to the obese spouse and says, “Ah, this
makes no sense. Either our bodies belong to each
other and are shared; or, our bodies belong to our
own selves and you can stay obese while I obtain
cosmetic surgery.” Expect to be greeted by the fires
of hell as she rebuts your opinions. Expect her to also
stay obese, by the way. In her mind, there is an
entire culture of “his is ours; but mine is mine alone”
that she cannot escape. And, within her mind, what
you are doing is beyond obesity, and so, there is no
comparison anyway. If you are TS and are changing
your body through hormones and/or surgery; and if
your spouse is not bi-sexual; don’t argue the
“fairness” of body ownership – our whole culture is
against such “fairness” or “reason”. Change your
body because of the pressures of dysphoria that are
destroying your life. Become beautiful (or handsome,
as the case may be). Take charge of your body and
sculpt it as you believe it should be sculpted. When
she says, “How can you do these things to your
body?!?” – don’t point the finger at her obesity, but do
point the finger at your own dysphoria and your need
to deal with it. Dysphoria is what is driving you, so
point to it, and nothing else.

21.        YOU SHOULD EXPECT AFFAIRS.
Affairs-of-the-heart do not necessarily include sexual
intercourse (ie, adultery). But you should expect
affairs at multiple levels to occur. After all, your
spouse just lost his/her lover. And, it is very likely
that you lost your lover. Some of these affairs do lead
to adultery. But any level of affair - to include
adultery - does not mean the end of the marriage, but
probably is meeting a need that can no longer be met
by the spouse – such as passion, enjoyment of
conversation on sensitive subjects, and just plain fun.
Don’t leave the marriage because your spouse had an
affair; instead, try to find out what they are missing so
much. Don’t hate yourself because you had an affair;
instead, ask yourself what you are missing so much.
Then, talk to your spouse about what you truly wish
he/she gave you. I want to say very clearly: “Do not
discuss the affair – talk about what you need”. Don’t
argue about affairs at all, which is the surface issue.
Explore what is the driving motivation, and then, you
might have success in meeting your spouse’s need.

22.        EXPECT SAFETY NETS AND TRY
TO LIVE WITH THEM. Safety nets are zones
where someone goes alone, and truly lives without
fear of retribution or explanation. For example, your
spouse may declare (to a FTM), “Don’t you come to
my new church at all – I just want to worship God
without having another man by my side.” Or, you
might declare (as a MTF married to a born-female),
“At work, I just have to tell everyone that I am
married to a man and not a woman.” By any
definition, these are lies and each person is living a
lie. But before you hate yourself or your spouse, ask
if these are “safety nets” – little islands of safety
through some level of denial. Neither you nor your
spouse can always withstand the imagined fear
and/or conceptual pressure of retribution or
adversity. Hey, it is hard to say the following
statement even in an accepting GLBT church: “Oh, this
guy sitting next to me, well, he is my wife. I’m
married to a transsexual, and we are a couple and
love to worship God together. And yes, his beard is
nicer than mine.” Be aware that safety nets are often
destructive to a couple’s sense of being “a couple
above all else”. Safety nets, by my observation, are
for an individual and can dismantle the sense of being
a 'couple' or a 'marriage' if kept intact too long.
Finding out that your spouse has lied about your new
gender at work, forbids you to come to her work, and
won’t take you to the annual Christmas party – well,
those are costly items that build resentment and
bitterness. So, allow the safety nets, and speak softly
with your spouse about all the safety nets you both
need, and then set a time table for removing them,
gently, one by one, as the months and years go by.
One day, take your GID spouse’s picture to work, and
when asked, just say, “Oh, that is my spouse. I never
told you that he became a woman a couple years ago,
did I?” It will be good gossip for about 2 days, really,
if you handle the dismantling of a safety net with a
simple explanation and simple smile.

23.        LEARN TO LIVE WITH
INEQUITIES IN THE RELATIONSHIP;
STOP LOOKING FOR PERFECT EQUITY.
Given all the actions taken by you to lessen your
dysphoria; and given all the actions taken by your
spouse to lessen his/her inherited dysphoria; then you
should expect a relationship that no longer strives for
perfect equity. Your spouse may attend your
Christmas party, but forbid you to attend their
Christmas party. You may invite your spouse to a
family funeral, but be told to not attend his/her
family's funeral.   Perfect equity is gone. Learn to
define a “win-win” situation in entirely new
inequitable ways. Businesses bent on equitable
business often trade “white rice for brown rice”;
wiser businesses trade “white rice” for “iron and
steel”. Apparent 'inequitable trading' is what makes
the business world go around. So, go ahead and
invite her to the company Christmas party, just
because she likes to garden with you. Go ahead and
realize that you need her to be with you at a funeral,
and that your need is enough of a reason. Ignore the
fact that she told you to stay away from her best
friend’s funeral – get a grip and approach the
business of marriage like a wise business person.
Create a new set of marriage expectations that defy
all normal marriage expectations – and learn to love
every one of those inequitable equations. You’ll
prosper in the long run. Oh, did I ever mention
Matthew chapter 5? Did I ever mention you probably
prayed to be like Christ, and to give love without any
conditions? A relationship with inequity is very hard to
handle; you’ll break into pieces over the injustices that
you are given, or you’ll have to mature and be like
Christ, and “receive an injustice without giving back a
threat – and commit yourself to Him that judges
justly.” [I Peter] So, maybe a relationship with
inequity is a perfect time to practice the Christ-like
maturity that you prayed for, right? Practice being
like Him, babes, it is worth it.

24.        YOU CANNOT FORCE SOMEONE
TO LOVE YOU, ENJOY YOU, OR EVEN TO
TOLERATE YOU. During the grieving process,
your spouse may leave you. Or, you may leave your
spouse. You may find that either person leaves
‘emotionally’ long before they leave ‘physically’. Do
not expect your spouse to love, enjoy, or even
tolerate your new gender mind-set in the bedroom, in
the home, in recreation, or during previously enjoyed
activities. When things turn cold between you, try to
focus on doing neutral events – go out for coffee, and
talk about the weather; go out for a drink, and chat
about the garden. Learn to say, “I’m sorry for what
GID has done to us.” This is important, because this
saying shows that (a) you are not celebrating the pain
of your spouse and (b) that you and your spouse are
still a ‘we-ism’ (say “we are a single organism – then
say, ‘we-ism’). So long as your spouse thinks that
GID is “your” problem, you may remain intolerable.
When your spouse thinks that GID is “our” problem,
then you will most likely find him/her giving you
compassion. So, if your spouse can't tolerate you,
stop for a moment, and engage in neutral events you
both like.

25.        DON’T ASSUME THE OLD
APPROACH TO EVENTS WILL WORK –
YOU MAY NEED TO LOSE A MARRIAGE
AND GAIN A FRIENDSHIP. Most likely, your
marriage is disintegrating, and becoming a friendship,
as you live in the opposite gender. In a marriage, you
learn to do what is best for both; but in a friendship,
you learn to do what is best for you, the individual.
So, you might discover that the marriage is gone but
an odd form of friendship is developing. For a time,
this may be the best you both can do. I propose that
you learn to ask three friendship-based questions:
What is the event? Who owns that event area? What
is their chosen approach? For example: you are a
MTF and your mother dies. That is the event. Who
owns that event area (of attending the funeral) – you
own it. What is your chosen approach? Stop. Think.
You can approach the event as a married couple, or
as best friends, or even as two separate individuals.
Don’t just assume your former spouse thinks this
event is a “couple” event and will automatically
“know” to be there. Decide what you want, and then
ask. Let’s say, it is important to you (the MTF) that
the event of attending the funeral be approached as a
couple – then ask your wife to join you at the funeral.
Likewise, let’s say your spouse’s father dies. What is
the event? Who owns it? What is your spouse’s
chosen approach? Hey, your spouse owns that event
and may tell you that she wishes to be an individual at
that event, and forbids you to come to the funeral. It
is fine to have two very similar events, two very
different owners, and therefore two very different
approaches. Before, you always assumed that you
two were to present as a couple – time to expand the
options, or be perpetually wounded by what appears
to be a lack of marriage rights and obligations. Don’t
assume the old scripts will work; instead, take the
mindset of the composer, and create whatever ‘music’
is needed for the occasion. Hey, if you can whistle,
you can compose. Grieve the loss of being married;
but do allow the friendship to continue.

26.        YOU MAY HAVE TO ABANDON
THE LEADER/FOLLOWER MODEL OF
MARRIAGE AND LEARN TO ACCEPT THE
FRIEND/FRIEND MODEL OF MARRIAGE.
Do you have some expectations? Probably.
Remember when you were first married, and
‘expected’ him to mow the lawn, work in the garage,
and be the driver of the car? Or, expected her to
watch the kids, cook the dinners, and admire your
driving skills? Those are called “expectations”.
Remember how angry she was when you (a guy) said
you liked to cook dinners? Remember how hurt you
were when she mowed the lawn for you? OK, those
angers and hurts are called violating or shattering
expectations. After 10 years or so of marriage,
you've probably rewritten a host of expectations. But
one that is deep within many people is the
“leader/follower” expectation. You know, “A man’s
home is his castle and he is king” sort of view. The
man speaks out the decision, and the wife submits
and calls him “master”….   That’s right. You’ve got it.
Why are you laughing? Let me guess at the reason: if
you were a born-male, you probably married a very
strong-minded woman because of your pre-TS-onset
tendencies. If you were a born-female, you probably
married a very non-traditional man because of your
pre-TS-onset tendencies. Yet, the traditional
leader/follower model of marriage is something you
may have tried to obtain during those moments you
wanted to prove you were a real-man or real-
woman. Do you see the conflict? [The next is from
the MTF perspective; FTMs please reverse the
following] – you married a strong-woman, and then
tried to establish the classic leader/follower model,
she fought your leadership, did not respect you, and
now, she respects you all the less. If you are a
church-person, you might feel very ‘righteous’ about
the chain of command being God-Husband-Wife-
Children, and very guilty about never being the man
that could break that woman into obedience. If she is
a church-person, she will say “I respect you” because
of her training, but her actions show the reality,
right? Time to face reality, cowboy, you picked the
wildest bronco you thought you could ‘break’, and got
thrown and thrown again. Each time you dusted
yourself off, and then climbed back into the saddle to
prove you were a super-cowboy. Now, you are a
chick, and that bronco will not only throw you, but
trample you. It won’t be pretty; and you’ll be
wondering what the hell happened. Here’s my
thought: don’t ride her. You are no longer the
leader. Don’t make pronouncements. Don’t make
orders. Be a friend and share the reins of the many
decisions you both need to make concerning the
home, work hours, child duties, the garden, the yard,
buying the new car, and so forth. You are married,
but don’t try to ‘break’ that bronco. Bring some
apples in your pocket instead, and learn to walk side
by side. She may never respect you, but she’ll grow
to love you, trust you, and maybe become your
friend. With God’s blessing, maybe one day, she’ll
return to being your wife.

27.        DO NOT MAKE DECISIONS TO
FORCE OTHERS TO LEAVE YOU. IF THE
SITUATION IS DESTRUCTIVE, THEN, YOU
SHOULD LEAVE AND NOT THEM. Divorce is
quick, clean, and so easy. Not! Hey, what about the
‘noble’ idea of divorcing the spouse to save him/her a
lot of pain or to end their confusion? It is not noble to
make a life-decision for someone else. You (the TS)
should be allowed to make your own decision based
on your own concerns, pains, hurts, and pleasures.
Also, your spouse (the non-TS) should be allowed to
make his/her own decision based on his/her own
concerns, pains, hurts, and pleasures. What about
making the marriage so argumentative, violent and
painful that you drive the other person to leave? Oh,
come on, let’s behave like adults and not manipulate
the other person to leave. When your pain is too
much for you, then you leave so that you can reconcile
at a safe distance, away from any automatic spiral of
destruction. The first place you should withdraw to is
the couch in the living room, by the way. Then, try
again the next night to sleep with your spouse. The
second place you should withdraw to is a hotel for one
night. Maybe, if the downward spiral is just
accelerating to no end, then you need to get your own
apartment. If you can’t reconcile while living in the
apartment, then, ask yourself “Is this pain of
separation and non-reconciliation so incredible that I
must seek a divorce?” Note that every action is your
action and every searching question is your question
and your answer. Don’t deceive yourself into the
“noble” idea of assuming his/her pain is “just too
much for her” or that “this is really best for both of
us”. Note that the only pain you can truly measure is
your pain. Make your own decisions, and don't make
a single decision for your spouse.

28.        IF YOU SEPARATE, ACTIVELY
WORK AT RECONCILIATION OR EXPECT
THE RELATIONSHIP TO DIE. If you were
married for 10 or more years, try to reconcile once-a-
week or twice-a-month when separated for two
years. Remember that the grieving period is thought
to last a normal 2 years. You may be surprised that
your spouse is more flexible than you thought, after
his/her initial period of denial, anger, bargaining, and
depression. What? You don’t want the pain of trying
to reconcile? I don’t blame you at all, hun… it is
painful to go meet with a counselor, and have a
spouse's anger thrown on you like hot coffee. But I
offer that you should be willing to help your spouse
through the grieving process of denial, anger,
bargaining, depression, and acceptance. It is easier
to make “demands” that she (or he) can never meet,
and then say, “Well, that proves the contract of
marriage is broken, and I am outta here.”
Hmmmm..., maybe I should put that in church-
language: “You have forsaken the holy covenant of
marriage and therefore I turn you over to Satan.”
Stop. What we are saying in our heart is this: “I
know you are angry; I am too. GID stole away so
much that it breaks both our hearts.” The ‘storm’
came. The storm and winds beat against the house.
The house collapsed. Why did it collapse? Jesus
would say that the house collapsed because it was not
founded upon the rock of doing His commands – like
unconditional love to the wife and unconditional
respect to the husband; like learning to love your
enemies; like learning to resign your arguments for
the sake of love. [Matthew 5, 6, and 7] So, if you are
willing to reconcile, do it right – don’t make demands,
instead focus on the Bible’s statements of Matthew
chapters 5, 6, and 7; work those statements through
with your separated spouse, and rebuild the
foundation. If you don’t rebuild the ‘house’ right, the
next storm will devastate you both all the faster. And
babes, life has storms well beyond the hurricane of
GID, doesn’t it? So, work at the reconciliation for a
couple of years -- you can do it, babes, really, you can.

29.        MAYBE ONE DAY, YOU’LL MOVE
FROM A FRIENDSHIP TO A NEGOTIATED
MARRIAGE. We’ve talked about learning to live and
love an inequitable arrangement. We’ve talked about
the three questions of friendship: What is the event?
Who owns that event area? What is their chosen
approach? Yes, these are good tools for surviving.
But, there comes a time when the inequity is too much
for you to handle. And, there comes a time when you
think that you “own” the event, but your spouse
thinks that “we” own the event. Time to learn the
ancient art of negotiation. Sit down with your spouse
and discuss your motivations and desires; hear out
her motivations and desires; take a break. Go out for
coffee with your spouse. Try again tomorrow eve.
Don’t overrun or ignore your spouse’s input (when
your marriage had disintegrated to a friendship, you
had no choice but to do that; but now, we want
something better – a negotiated marriage). Come
back together with several creative brainstorming
ideas. Then, pick those ideas that are (in preferred
order), win-win, win-a-little for both of us, or lose-
lose. Stay away from win-lose and win-destroy
combinations. Many marriages live forever as
friendships; a few will return to being a negotiated
marriage; a very few will return to a Biblical marriage
(per Ephesians 5 and I Peter 2 & 3). So, when your
spouse begins to negotiate, don’t rush off and shout:
“We are only friends! How dare you!” and likewise,
don’t rush off and shout: “But negotiation in marriage
isn’t according to the Bible!” Stop. Think. A Biblical
marriage is like gold; a negotiated marriage is like
silver; and a life-friendship is like rubies. Hey, babes,
if you can’t get gold, take the treasure your spouse
offers – it’s beautiful in its own way.

*****

Much love in Christ;

Caryn

(c) Copyright Caryn LeMur 2007